Slayers Bewildered
by GittaPet
Summary: A blatant self insertion parody fic starring 3 high school kids, XellyBelly, and the Cobblestone Walkway of Love, with occasional guest spots from the rest of the Slayers cast!
1. Prologue/Disclaimer/Stuff/Junk

SLAYERS BEWILDERED

By GittaPet

Okay, before I say anything else let me get this stuff out of the way.

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DISCLAIMER: 

Slayers copyright of Hajime Kanzaka, Rui Araizumi, TV Tokyo, Marubeni, and SOFTX. Email me if any of that information is incorrect (gittagonz@mindspring.com).

Now I can move on. ^__^

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WARNING: 

This fic contains shameless & blatant self-insertion, as well as horrible puns, corny jokes, sleazy jokes, disturbing jokes, confusing jokes, inside jokes, and many things that won't make sense and in fact aren't supposed to make sense. There will be some inappropriate humor, but I'm sure it's nothing you haven't heard before. There will be many instances in which you, the Reader(s), will wonder where the logic has disappeared to. Stop wondering; you will not find it because there was none to begin with. You have been forewarned. So kwitcherbitchin.

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UNNECESSARY BACKGROUND INFO: 

My favorite character in this show (and possibly in all anime-dom) is Xellos Metallium, regardless of how I might abuse him. (In fact, since he likes pain, technically every time I abuse him I'm actually petting him . . . wait, I'm confusing myself.) And Zelgadis is my friend Libby's bishounen. I enjoy tormenting Zel too. Not because he's a particular favorite of mine (in fact sometimes I think he's such a pansy), but because everyone else does, including Libby (aka Lady Geuna). 

Anyway. 

So Libby and I are eating tons of sugar coated sugar cakes one day, and we start discussing how funny it would be, and how much we would harass our boy toys, if we were to run into them some random day. So I got to thinking . . . and then I wrote the first two chapters, let them rot in my computer for a year or two, looked over the first chapter again, and wrote this disclaimer thingie. And then I commenced writing the rest of it. Isn't that confusing? Think about it. I'm writing this right now, speaking in past tense about writing the rest of the fic, but I haven't really written it yet. And technically, even though I'm writing this now, this "now" is a completely different one from your "now", since "now" for me is right now as I am writing, and "now" for you is right now while you're reading, except for me you haven't read it yet because I'm still writing and for you my now has already happened, even though for me it hasn't even happened yet . . . I'm confusing myself again.

But I digress. Allow me to continue. 

Like I said in the "warning", this fic is just supposed to be a funny little blurb. It was written for the amusement of my friends and myself, and I decided, since I had nothing better to do (and was sure that none of you did either), to share this masterpiece with the World Wide Web. It's not very well written in my opinion, and everyone's just a tad out of character, but I enjoyed writing it. I hope you'll enjoy reading it. Feedback is welcomed with open arms and a plateful of newly baked cookies. Flames will also be read, just on the off chance that one of them will make a valid point . . . BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Oh man, I crack me up. 

Okay, well, if you skipped the Unnecessary Background Info, this is just a "what if we ran into our fave anime bishies" kinda fic. If you don't want to read it, don't. If you go ahead and read it anyway, then that's your own damn fault, isn't it? So don't whine too much. 

And now, on with the show . . . 


	2. Chapter 1: In Which A Chimera Wigs Out

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Chapter One:

IN WHICH A CHIMERA WIGS OUT

Zelgadis sighed into his coffee, sweat-dropping as he watched Lina pound Gourry's head into the inn floor. The swordsman had apparently insulted her--shall we say--*ahem* "lack of femininity", and she had decided that the only way to get Gourry to realize he'd said something wrong was to pound it into his brain. The beating was accompanied by many many un-ladylike swear words. 

"Whaddaya mean 'uncouth'?? Why I oughta . . . in fact, I think I will!" Pound, pound, pound, thrash, pulverize. "How can you say such things about a pretty young lady like me??" Crush, bludgeon, cudgel. (1)

"But Liiiinaaaa . . . "

And so on. And so forth. 

Sigh. 

The chimera rolled his eyes and continued to sip his coffee calmly. He had long ago learned that it was completely useless to try and stop them; Lina was Lina, and Gourry was Gourry; he couldn't do anything about it. Besides, Gourry seemed to enjoy his regular beatings, so why spoil his fun? Zelgadis had gotten used to these types of incidents, as they happened so often, so he simply ignored his companions. He absorbed himself in his coffee, appearing mesmerized. Hmm, there were grains of sugar swirling around in the bottom of his cup. 

Simply fascinating.

After a while, however, he became thirsty and drank it. Ugh; cold coffee is disgusting. Except for iced coffee. Iced coffee is nummy, especially those Frapuccino things from Starbucks. Wait. What's a Frapuccino? What's a Starbucks(2)? Oro? @_@ 

Oops, he'd just drunk his diversion. Zelgadis ordered another cup, and immediately downed it; he wouldn't let it go cold again. He made a face as the scalding hot liquid burned his throat. He ordered a glass of water. Coffee wasn't that fascinating anyway. He looked across the table at his other traveling companions, still ignoring Lina and Gourry.

Amelia, on the other hand, stubbornly refused to ignore them. In her immature, school-girlish innocence, she still didn't realize that this seemingly senseless act of violence between the sorceress and swordsman was the only way the two could express their feelings for each other. She still believed that love was supposed to be a mutual respect and deep bond of friendship between two people. Pff. Kid stuff. 

The sugary princess repeatedly tried to separate Lina and Gourry, spewing meaningless justice-mottoes all the while, to no avail. Her long-winded, pink-and-fluffy-sounding speeches only added more noise to the chaos, and she ended up getting herself caught in the violent tangle. Zel suppressed the urge to gag, and instead turned his head away from the ridiculous sight. Unfortunately, there was only one person--if you could call him a "person"--left to look at. Before he could stop himself, he'd made eye contact.

"Why, Zelly-poo, what's the matter? You look so down in the dumps! I'll cheer you up! Kitchy-kitchy-koo!" Xelloss playfully poked him in the bellybutton. 

"Don't touch me," growled Zelgadis. "And don't call me that."

"Call you what?"

"Zelly-poo."

"Oh, Zelgadis! I didn't know you cared," cried the mazoku, misinterpreting Zel's words on purpose (3). He glomped onto the chimera's arm and started pawing at him.

"I _said_ don't touch me." Zel's eye started to twitch. He decided to change tactics and looked away. "Get off."

"Whatever you say, Zelly-poo." Xellos let go of his arm, pouting. "Now what's gotten you so upset?"

Zel's barely suppressed anger was delicious. The Trickster Priest smiled cheerfully, still trying to tickle the oh-so-serious chimera. He followed Zel's glare to Lina and Gourry, who were still caught up in their "argument". 

"Ohh, I see." Xell wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "Getting jealous, are we? Well, after all this time not getting laid, I'm not surprised you're getting antsy." 

Zel turned red with both rage and embarrassment. He averted his gaze, glowering fixedly at the wall. Xelloss smiled, enjoying his "meal". He continued to rile the grim chimera. "If you're interested, I know of this great place where you can get some for cheap and--gakk!!" Zelgadis began throttling the mazoku. To his chagrin, the disgusting little creep only grinned wider.

"Zelgadis-sama! You are being very un-just," cried Amelia, trying to disentangle herself from Lina and Gourry's affectionate roughhousing. "Violence is never the answer!"

Zelgadis, his patience worn quite threadbare, decided he'd had enough of her prattle. In fact, he'd had enough of them all. He very calmly told Amelia where she could put her Fist of Justice, then turned to Gourry and told him to get it over with and nail Lina. Amelia turned purple and stormed upstairs to her room, where she spent the rest of the night murmuring happy thoughts to herself (4). Gourry blushed and simply pretended not to comprehend Zel's words. The chimera ducked Lina's fireball, kneed Xelloss in the groin (he kept right on grinning, the freaky little bastard), then dropped the mazoku, paid for his tea, and left the inn, dragging a storm cloud behind him (5).

To be continued . . .insert ominous music here

Well? What do you think? Feedback welcomed with open arms and a plateful of warm cookies.

* * *

(1) I love my thesaurus. It is a good friend. It gets the kitties.

(2) Lucky bastard; I'd love to live in a world where Starbucks doesn't exist. Rackum frackum soulless corporate leeches rassm frassm . . . 

(3) He interpreted it as "Xelly-poo". The shortened versions of their names sound exactly the same, which makes it really confusing when my best friend and me talk about our little darlings. For example:

Gitta: And then Xell says--

Libby: Wait, your "Xell" or my "Zel"?

Gitta: My Xell. Would it help if I referred to him as Xelly-Belly?

Libby: No. I call Zel that too.

Gitta: Wait, are you talking about your "Zel" or my "Xell"? . . . (And so on and so forth. I think you get the idea.)

(4) Happy thoughts such as "101 Ways to Make A Mean Chimera Suffer". Hey, Amelia can't _always_ be nice and sweet, can she? Besides, it would be justified; he was being a big poopie-head. It's all in the name of justice, I swear! (meh-hehehehehe . . . ¬______¬)

(5) It's a figurative storm cloud, not a real one. Just thought you might like to know, in case you assumed that it was a real storm cloud. I know I would. But that's just me. I think I'll shut up now.

_______________________________________________________________________


	3. Chapter 2: In Which Zel Is Followed Abo...

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Chapter Two:

IN WHICH ZEL IS FOLLOWED ABOUT

Zelgadis stormed out of the inn, thinking dark, angsty, broody thoughts, along with any other thoughts typical of a dark, angsty, broody chimera. Maybe a nice long walk would clear his head. He started briskly walking down a forest path. His so-called friends just didn't understand. Why were they so immature? Couldn't they act like adults at least once in awhile? And if not, couldn't they just let him pretend he didn't know them? Was that too much to ask?? Zelgadis continued on his way, wildly gesturing towards the empty air, too absorbed in his inner-rantings to notice the shadowy figure following him.

* * *

After walking a few miles, Zelgadis discovered that his head was now sufficiently clear. He also discovered that he had been a big doodoo-head. How could he have said those things!? Zelgadis hoped his friends weren't too mad when he returned. He hoped they would still be his friends when he returned. He hoped they'd still be at the inn when he returned. He hoped the inn would still be there when he returned. He hoped--Zel sighed again. Like Lina said, there was no use wasting energy worrying. And Amelia would tell him to think positive thoughts. He sighed again, and stopped walking. They'd probably never speak to him again. At least Xelloss didn't seem angry; in fact the bastard was probably happier than ever. Then again, Xelloss wasn't his friend. In fact, he was the farthest thing from it! Come to think of it, this was all that little fruitcake's fault! If Xelloss hadn't been annoying him so much, he would have never lost his temper like that. Oooh, he couldn't wait to get his hands on that . . . that . . . 

"That namagomi!" He punched a nearby boulder, creating a large crack. 

"Ow," said the rock. "That hurt."

"Gomen nasai," he muttered. "I didn't mean to--" Wait, rocks couldn't talk(1). Zel heard a familiar, and extremely annoying giggle. He yanked Xellos out from behind the boulder.

"Hello! Fancy meeting you out here! Lovely night for a walk, isn't it?" Xelloss continued to babble on, ignoring Zel's twitching eye. "You wouldn't happen to be looking for that brothel I mentioned earlier would you, because if you are, you're going in the wrong direct--gakk!" Zel started throttling him.

"What are you doing here? Were you following me, you little cockroach?" Without waiting for an answer, Zelgadis pounded him into the ground. Xelloss's grin widened, and he phased out of Zel's grip, reappearing four feet in front of him, out of his reach and completely uninjured.

"Why, Zelgadis, I was simply worried for your safety. In fact, we all were. As capable as I'm sure you are, it's still dangerous to be out alone at night. We decided someone should come along with you. Lina and Gourry were, ahem, a little busy; I guess they decided to follow your advice. Amelia didn't think her presence would be welcome (for once). That left me." Xelloss glomped onto Zelgadis's arm, absorbing the waves of revulsion and outrage emanating from the chimera. "Aren't you glad to see me, Zelly-poo?"

"Get off me," growled the chimera. "And I told you not to call me that."

"Call you what?"

"Ze--Ohh, no. I'm not falling for that again." Zelgadis pried the mazoku off of his arm, and started walking again. Xelloss pouted, and followed him. Zel glared at him. "And stop following me."

"But it's dangerous out here. It's dark and scary and there could be all sorts of creepy beasties just waiting to jump on you and maul you!" Xellos frowned worriedly.

"Yeah right," scoffed Zelgadis. "The only creepy beastie waiting to jump on me and maul me out here is _you_. Now stop following me." 

"I can't. Lina practically ordered me to follow you, and given the choice between your temper and Lina's temper, I'd rather take my chances with yours." Xell smiled cutely--or at least, what _he_ thought was cutely. "I guess you're stuck with me." 

Zel desperately wracked his brain for an idea to get rid of Xellos. He had to get away from that evilly annoying mazoku. But how?? Aha! He could--

"Nope," Xellos interrupted. "That's not gonna work."

Well, maybe he could--

"That's not gonna work either, " Xellos practically sang. "Face it. You can't get rid of me. I'm here, I'm queer(2), and I don't care if you can't take it anymore." Grin.

"Mumble, mumble," said Zelgadis.

"What was that?" Xellos put a hand to his ear. The better to hear you with, my dear. "I couldn't quite hear you."

"Damn you Rezo," Zel said just a smidge louder, as he sighed and resigned himself to the journey ahead.

TO BE CONTINUED . . . 

* * *

(1) No pun intended, of course.

(2) Well, not so much "queer" as "swings both ways". But that doesn't really rhyme with "here".

I know it's not top-notch writing, but hey it's late and I'm tired. And this is my first Slayers fic ever, so please be gentle when you review HINT HINT. ^_~


	4. Chapter 3: Meanwhile, In A Land Far, Fa...

Guten Tag/Morgen/Abend everybody! Sorry I took so long in posting this chapter. Between exams, what passes for a social life, and writer's block, it took a little longer to write than I expected. But I made up for it by making it a little longer than the other chapters, so it's all good. ^_^ 

* * *

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Chapter Three:

Meanwhile, In A Land Far, Far Away . . .

It was a dark and stormy night . . . 

Except it was 3:30 PM, so it wasn't dark, and it wasn't night. It _was_ raining, though.

…

It was an overcast and stormy mid-afternoon.

The darkened room was a neat freak's worst nightmare: anime and art paraphernalia scattered about haphazardly, rug wrinkled and askew, sofa shoved roughly against the wall, television turned up to an unreasonable volume. It looked like Tornado and his friends Earthquake and Landslide had dropped by for a friendly game of Destroy the Pristine Living Room. Popcorn littered the floor, coaster-less soda cans on the coffee table threatened to tip over onto the cream-colored carpet, empty pizza boxes arranged on the hardwood floor like a demented mosaic, and--worst of all--there were buttery fingerprints and grains of half-melted salt _everywhere_. 

The _horror_…the HORROR…

Speaking of horror, a scary movie marathon blared on the TV screen. In the light of the Idiot Box, two figures could be seen, huddled together on the sofa. Mr. Mummy(1) popped up on the screen unexpectedly, just when lightning flashed outside. One of the girls on the couch squealed in delighted terror, while the other just squeaked and clutched a pillow fiercely. 

"The weather is complementing the movie nicely," commented Libby cheerfully. Her curly brown hair, once waist-length and now chopped to only a little past the shoulders, seemed extra curly today. Steel blue eyes widened in eager anticipation as the movie cued its Someone's Going To Die Horribly music, and her face, pale and freckled, became just a tad paler as she watched the gruesome death scene with disturbing enthusiasm.

"Y-y-yes," Gitta agreed, teeth chattering. She was shivering, her petite body shaking uncontrollably; it seemed like even her short, wavy black hair was quivering with nervousness. Her unruly mop was now frizzy from humidity and agitation. Her brown eyes were as wide as her friend's--not with anticipation, but with sheer, unbridled paranoia(2). She made sure her feet were safely tucked onto the couch; she kept expecting the Woman In Black from the last movie they'd watched to slide out from underneath the couch and stare at her creepily until she died(3). "Are you sure we can't turn on any lights?"

"Positive," replied Libby, a fanatical spark gleaming in her eye. "It would ruin the whole experience! Horror movies _must_ be watched in complete darkness."

"But why do we have to watch horror movies in the first place? Surely there's something else we can watch!" Gitta started rummaging through the piles of videos. "Hey, this one sounds decent: Free My Willy. Isn't this that movie about a whale and..wait, that title's not right, isn't it supposed to be--oh. OH." She turned red and hastily shoved the tape under the others, then piled more videos on top of it. "Never mind. Terror-Fest it is." Libby blinked at her obliviously, then resumed her speech on the merits of being scared witless.

"Just look at this weather," she said as she gestured to the downpour outside. "What better time is there to watch 20 horror flicks in a row? I'm tellin' ya, it's a sign from God!"

"God wants us to watch horror movies?"

"Now you're getting it!" 

More lightning, followed by a terrifying roll of thunder. Gitta jumped off the couch and hurried to hide under it--and then she remembered what could be lurking under there with her. She jumped back onto the couch and glomped onto Libby's arm.

"It's glorious," cried Libby, gleefully munching popcorn as yet another character met an untimely demise. "Simply perfect!" 

"Yeah," Gitta said in that tone of voice that said Watch Out I'm Going To Be Sarcastic Pretty Soon. She glowered at Mr. Mummy stumbling menacingly around on the screen. "It's absolutely perfe--"

She was interrupted as lightning flashed again, this time brightly enough to light up the room. The television popped, and the screen turned black. Mr. Mummy and his supporting cast were gone. The digital clocks were dead and numberless. The comforting hum of the air-conditioning doing its job was gone. 

The electricity was out.

"Perfect."

* * *

An hour and four card games later, the power still hadn't turned back on. And Gitta was bored.

"I'm bored," whined Gitta.

See?

"Well," said Libby, trying to think of something to do. "We can always … no, we've already been playing Egyptian Ratscrew(4) for the past hour. Well, there's always … no, there's not enough light for that. But we can … hmmm." She and Gitta sat down and thought and thought and thought . . .

"EUREKA!" they said in unison.

"You go first," said Libby.

"No, you," insisted Gitta.

"No, you."

"No, you." 

"No…"

* * *

Twenty minutes later and five tied games of paper-rock-scissors later, Libby finally got fed up.

"Fine, I'll go first," she said. "Let's…umm…" She trailed off.

"Wellll?" Gitta looked at her expectantly.

"…I forgot." Gitta face-faulted, then picked herself up, bits and pieces of popcorn stuck to her forehead. She picked one off, debated eating it, then shook her head and tossed it over her shoulder.

"Well then," she said. "Here's my fantabulous idea." She waited a few seconds and struck a dramatic pose. "LET'S GO TO THE MALL!!!" Gitta basked a little while longer in the radiant glory of own spiffiness.

"Um, Gitta? I hate to point this out but . . . neither of us can drive," said Libby, interrupting her friend's basking. "How can we get to the mall if we can't drive?" Gitta blinked a couple of times, then crouched into her patented Pondering Pose™(5).

"Ummmmmm…we could…er…I guess we can always…ummm…we could walk?"

Libby gave her a look that said Don't Be Such A Cabbage-Head, and then gestured towards the torrent of rain outside.

"Oh yeah," said Gitta. "… So maybe biking there isn't such a good idea either." Libby face-faulted, then picked herself up and brushed off the popcorn bits.

"We could call up Joe," she suggested, trying to forget the trauma that was Gitta's Horrible Idea. "I'm sure there's a phone with a cord somewhere in the house; the power outage wouldn't have affected it.(6) Besides, we haven't hung out with Joe in a loooooooooong time. Maybe he misses our company enough to be willing to chauffeur us around."

"Yes, who could possibly resist our charm and good looks?" Gitta strutted around like a model. Libby pondered her for a moment.

"And we could offer to pay for lunch too," she said, smirking. Gitta glared at Libby, then caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. 

"Yeah," she agreed sheepishly. "I guess it wouldn't hurt to throw free food into the bargain."

"Okay, so it's settled. I'll find the phone, you sit there not breaking anything, and I'll call Joe." Libby got up, and started fumbling her way around.

* * *

Hey, hold on a second here!! Who the heck is this Joe character, why's he so special, and why in the world wouldn't he be unable to resist their charm and good looks???

Good question.

Joe was Gitta and Libby's Token Underclassman Friend. They had met him at the first meeting of BRHS's(7) first ever Anime Club. He had introduced himself as the club president, they'd shoved him out of the way and crammed a Slayers video in the VCR, and that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. That school year had been filled with fun, an unhealthy amount of Slayers Trivia knowledge, and--most importantly--the spread of Egyptian Ratscrew's popularity. They became good friends, got to know one another, and every day they learned things about each other that they hadn't known before (and also some things they wished they didn't know).

However, those halcyon days were not destined to last. 

The next school year, their happy-go-lucky lives were torn asunder as the population of crumbly old BRHS was halved. No, the students were NOT killed off. What are you thinking?? The construction of the new high school, SBHS(8), had just been completed, and a good portion of the high school's student body was packed off to their sterile new learning environment. 

Libby and Gitta were relieved to learn that they would still see each other every day at school--but alas! Joe had to be left behind, all alone with the Future Sex Offenders of America (current membership: 1) and the Gundam Cronies.(9) The three spent as much quality time together as possible, but with their conflicting schedules, these precious moments were few and far between. 

* * *

So, twenty minutes of lurching around in the darkness later, Libby finally managed to stumble across the phone (literally).

And ten minutes later, she and Gitta got the cord untangled.

And twenty more minutes later, Libby found the phone jack. She jammed the cord in the wall, and was about to pick up the phone to call Joe when it rang. 

"AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!"

::ring ring::

"Oh, it's just the phone." Libby picked it up."…Hello?"

"Libby?"

"Um . . yes, this is she."

"Oh, thank merciful God in his heaven!!--er…I mean…Hey, it's Joe."

"Riiight. Joe, why are we whispering?"

"I don't know why _you're _whispering, but _I'm _trying to hide in a closet."

"A closet?"

"A closet??" echoed Gitta. "What's he in a closet for?"

"That's what I'm trying to find out," said Libby. "Now shush so I can hear."

"Hey, is that Gitta I hear?"

"Yeah. We're watching horror movies--or rather, we _were_."

"Hey, I feel your pain, man. I'm stuck here at my house with no electricity and twenty annoying people expecting to watch Perfect Blue on DVD." Libby could hear the irritation in his voice.

"Oh no. Don't tell me."

"What?? What's going on? You still haven't told me why he's in a closet. Has he come out yet?(10)" Gitta tried to snatch the phone from Libby, but to no avail. They started wrestling for control of the earpiece.

"Yeah," continued Joe. "I made the mistake of volunteering my house--which includes my big screen TV and my DVD player--for the Anime Club. Now the power's out, there's no entertainment, and these . . . 'people' won't get off my back. What am _I_ supposed to do about the electricty?? I'm not God, I'm not omniscient and certainly not omnipotent. But these damned…'people' apparently think I _am_. They keep bugging me, asking me when the power's gonna come back on, where the food is, when the pizza's gonna arrive (nobody even _ordered_ pizza), what the English translation of this impossibly long Japanese phrase is--and they won't stop trying to speak Japanese!!! They're butchering it!! It's such a beautiful language, and they're mangling it, mauling it, destroying it beyond all recognition!! They just won't stop, no matter how many subtle hints I give them."

In all the muted fuming, Gitta had managed to nab the phone.

"Well there's your problem right there," she said. "Those cretins don't understand subtlety. You could paint 'Stop being annoying' on a two-by-four and smack them with it one by one, and they _still_ wouldn't get it."

"Yeah," he agreed. "I need a new strategy…one that doesn't involve trying to fit in the linen closet." Gitta started giggling uncontrollably at the image of Joe scrunched in between the toilet paper and the guest towels. "What?? It's the only place they haven't looked so far. I'm just waiting until they tire themselves out, and then maybe I can--hey. It's quiet. I think they're all asleep."

"I guess being stupid is an exhausting job," Gitta managed to say before Libby recaptured the phone.

"Yeah," she said, trying to keep the phone away from Gitta. "And now that they're asleep, they wouldn't notice if you snuck out and drove over here. We have lukewarm pizza, a whole lotta candles, a deck of cards, and best of all the Cronies won't be able to bug you because they won't know where you are!"

"Hey, good idea. I'll see you in about twenty minutes."

"Okey dokey, artichokey." Gitta had regained possession of the apparatus. "Seeya in a few." She handed the phone to Libby.

"Bye Joe," she said.

"Seeya."

Click. Libby put the phone back in its place.

"Well," she said, rubbing her hands together. "Mission successful."

"Wrong," said Gitta. "We still have to convince him to take us to the mall."

"Oh yeah." They both pondered for awhile. How to get Joe to drive through pouring rain to a place where he would be expected to shop and do other not-mannish things? Hmmmm…

"Meh," said Gitta, shrugging. "We can improvise later. For now, I believe there is a box of breadsticks calling out my name." She rushed off to grab some carbohydrate-y goodness.

"Hey! They're not calling out _your_ name, they're trying to get _my_ attention! MY breadsticks, mine!" 

And thus began the Battle for the Breadstick Box.

* * *

Twenty minutes and an empty, torn, mutilated breadstick box later, the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it!"

"No, I'll get it!"

"No, me!" 

"No, _me_!"

"No, I'll get it!"

"_I'll_ get it!"(11)

The doorbell rang again.

"COMING!" they yelled in unison. They both ran to the door, wrestled for a minute or so for the doorknob, and somehow managed to open the door without killing each other. They saw the person standing on the porch at the same time and, also in unison, tackled him.

"JOE!!!!!!!" ::GLOMP::

"Hey guys, long time no see!" 

And they all lived happily ever until-the-next-chapter… 

… Except that was a lie, because according to the author's well-organized story outline, the chapter was supposed to continue.

* * *

And five minutes later, there they all were, still locked in a passionately platonic multi-member embrace(12). It was starting to feel a little awkward. Gitta looked at Libby over Joe's shoulder.

"So," she said to her partner in crime. "Should we tell him now, or should we feed him first?"

"Hmm," mused Libby. "We should probably feed him first. That way he'll be relaxed and off-guard." They continued whispering plans to each other while Joe, still trapped between them(13), started thinking paranoid, I'm-trapped-between-the-twin-epitomes-of-Mischief-and-Evil-what-are-they-up-to thoughts(14). Before they could continue plotting a) his death or b) something worse than death, Joe interrupted them.

"Hey guys, you know I'm still here, right? And you know I can hear you."

"Then again," Libby continued, seemingly oblivious. "Nourishment would give him the energy to fight back." The girls shared an inner giggle as they noticed Joe's increasingly worried countenance. 

"You call this grease-soaked junk _nourishment_?" Gitta smirked and went on with their weird little charade. "No way. All it would do is slow him down."

"True--"

"HEY!! WHAT ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT?? AND WHY ARE WE STILL HUGGING??" 

They blinked at him innocently. Gitta nodded at Libby, who began babbling about a small anime convention she recently went to. While Joe was conveniently distracted, Gitta carefully sneaked her hand into his jacket pocket and…slowly…slowly…careful now…GOT IT!! She gently lifted Joe's car keys and put them in her own pocket, then nodded at Libby.

"--and I wanted to win the door prize, which I thought was a Kusanagi figurine, but then I was so relieved when I found out that someone else had been saddled with that Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon action figure, and--" 

She and Gitta suddenly took off. The girls sped down the porch steps and flung themselves into Joe's car faster than he could say "oro". From behind the wheel of Joe's mom's lovely, shiny, NEW car, Gitta somehow managed to make a beaming smile look evil evil evil. 

Joe sighed. Being the considerate and all-around nice guy that he was, he made sure to lock and close the door before commencing his Walk of Defeat down the driveway. He approached the car, inside which he could see Libby and Gitta fiddling with something in the dashboard--probably the cd player or the radio. He stopped right in front of the driver's seat, where Gitta had made herself quite comfortable, and he knocked on the glass.

The Mini Evil Incarnate pushed the power-windows button and looked up at him angelically.

"Don't even try it," Joe said. "You don't fool me."

"Ah," replied Gitta. "But I just did." All vestiges of innocence disappeared, and she resumed her regular smirking expression.

"So," said Libby from the passenger's seat. "Are you going to take us to the mall, or are you going to let Gitta do the driving?"

Considering that neither Libby nor Gitta had their licenses, the prospect of either one of them driving wasn't a happy one. Joe shrugged.

He gestured for Gitta to get out of the car, then he slid into the driver's seat and started readjusting it.(15)

"You know, you could have just asked me," he said as Gitta crawled into the back seat. 

"But where would the fun be in that?" quipped Libby. Joe rolled his eyes, laughed, and pulled out of the driveway.

* * *

About ten minutes later, they all heard an ominous rumbling.

"I thought the storm would be over by now," said Gitta. Although it was still raining heavily, she hadn't seen a flash of lightning or heard any thunder in awhile.

"That wasn't thunder," replied Libby, blushing. "That was my stomach."

"You're hungry _again_," asked Joe incredulously. "But, judging by all the cardboard carnage at the house, you've eaten enough take-out to satisfy an entire college campus for at least a week!"

"Quiet you; it's not my fault that I have a speedy metabolism." Libby pouted, then suddenly brightened. "Hey, there's a McDonald's at the next right! I can get a McFlurry or McNuggets or McSomething!"

"Ohhh no." Joe's grip on the wheel tightened. "You are _not_ eating in here. If my mom finds even one nanometer of a crumb in here, I'm dead."

"Oh, c'mon Joe," Gitta wheedled. "How can you deprive her of sustenance? Just look at her." 

He glanced at Libby, who was trying to give him the Puppy-Dog Look except her giggling kept on getting in the way of looking hungry and sad.

"Besides," continued Gitta. "I've got a hankering for apple pie, myself. Pleeeeeeeeeease?" She joined Libby in the Won't You Save the Sad Starving Puppies Club.

"Please?" they both asked.

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

"No."

…

…

…

"Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease--"

"ALL RIGHT!" Joe turned in to the McDonald's drive-thru.(16)

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

* * *

About two seconds after ordering, Libby's food disappeared, and the remains were carefully put away in the take-out bag. The car was parked in the McDonald's parking lot. Joe couldn't risk anyone spilling anything. Libby smiled the smile of someone who had just eaten a very satisfying meal.

"See? Not a crumb."

"That's because the food didn't have a _chance_ to crumble." Joe looked at Libby like she couldn't be weirder if she'd just grown an extra head--no, wait, never mind. Another head would mean another mouth, which would just mean that food would disappear twice as fast. But you get the idea, right? Wait, who am I talking to? Am I talking to myself? Jeez, Joe, you're almost as weird as those two. He watched Gitta start nibbling the last eensy weensy morsel of her apple pie. Nibble, savor, nibble, savor, nibble…Never mind. Nobody could even come close. Nibble, savor, nibble, savor, nibble, savor, nib--

"JUST EAT THE DAMN PIE!!"

Gitta stopped nibbling/savoring and looked at Joe as if he'd just grown an extra head. She blinked. Then she popped the last crumb in her mouth.

"There. Mmm, I love apple pie." She disassembled the little pie box, then re-folded it to lay flat. Then she folded it in half. And she folded it in half again. And again. And aga--

Joe grabbed the empty pie box and put it in the trash bag.

"All done?" he asked Libby and Gitta.

"All done," they replied in unison.

"Good." He pulled out of the parking lot and they resumed their journey.

* * *

Only a couple of minutes had passed, but to Gitta it had seemed like Forever and a day. She was bored. Bored bored bored.

"I'm booooored."

See?

"Hey Libby." Gitta poked her friend in the back of the head. "Press 'play' for me; I can't reach it from back here." She pointed at the cd player.

"Hey, don't touch that!" But before Joe could do anything, Libby and Gitta were singing to the karaoke version of "Otome No Inori"(17) on Gitta's Slayers Next cd.

"Oh crud," said Gitta. "I messed up. Let's start over."

"Ok!"

Joe groaned. 

"koi ni koi suru onna no ko ni wa

mabushisugiru no mai daarin"

"Why? Why the karaoke version??"

"kirakira ruuju (akogare doriimu)

pinku no piichi 

todoite hoshii no otome no inori"

"Can't you at least pick a better song to sing along with?"

"yozora ni ukabu gin no kofune

suki to kirai no namima ni yureru"

"C'mon, gimme a break here!"

"chiisana mune o kyunkyun kogashi

kokoro wa tobu no anata no moto ni--"

Suddenly, a blinding arc of lightning tore through the sky. It surrounded the car, the sheer force of electricity picking the car up from the ground, and just as suddenly they all felt the car--with them in it, unfortunately--lurch and then drop.

Before any of them could even take a breath to scream, everything went black.

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED… insert ominous music here

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

(1) There really is a movie called Mr. Mummy. It's badly dubbed and really cheesy and hardly scary at all. 

(2) I started proof-reading the story when I was halfway through writing it, and I realized that I hadn't described either me or Libby at all! Rather than throw off the flow of the story, I just stuck the physical descriptions in there as inconspicuously as possible. It wasn't too obvious was it? ^_^

(3) What?? It was a really scary movie, okay? That, and I'm a crazy, irrational chicken. Bukk bukk b'kaaawk, and that's all I have to say about that. 

(4) It's a very good game, I swear. It's sort of a cross between War and Beggar My Neighbor. I know the name sounds … odd. Libby and I have been trying to think up a different name for it, but we can't. I guess "Egyptian Ratscrew" is its destiny, and who am I to mess with Fate? 

(5) Ah yes, the Pondering Pose: always saved for those rare occasions when I can't think of anything to say. _Very_ rare occasions. It is not to be confused with my patented Plotting Pose™, which looks similar to the Pondering Pose, except much more evil and conniving (hence the moniker Plotting Pose). 

(6) Really, any regular phone with a cord and no answering machine-type apparatus will not be affected. It'll work like regular, except the ringer will be really really quiet, and so will the volume. And even if you don't believe me, having experienced four hours with no electricity, no batteries for the cd player, no men to snuggle with, and desperation driving me to start making shadow puppets with my weakening flashlight, I have found that it never hurts to check whether or not the phone still works.

(7) BRHS stands for . . . . ::drumroll:: Bucket o' Rust High School! What?? Didja expect me to give you the real name and risk having it seen by some creepy weirdo who isn't even reading the story and is just trolling for someone to kidnap? Pff. How stupid and irrational do you think I am? …..HEY! I heard that!

(8) And SBHS stands for Sucks Balls High School. It's nice and shiny and new, but it doesn't have a personality (heck the bathrooms don't even smell like cigarette smoke yet; what kind of high school is that?). And I could swear the principal's a robot!! Really! ::monotone tinny voice from the PR system:: "Good morning everybody. We will now pause for a minutes of silence… Please stand for the Pledge of Allegiance insert Pledge here…And now for this morning's announcements. Don't forget to come to the big game toni--oh wait, those are announcements from last May."

(9) It's an inside joke. Kat, Libby, Joe; you guys know who I'm talking about. I'm so sorry Joe; you don't deserve to suffer in the company of those people.

(10) Sorry, Joe; I couldn't resist. You can yell at me later. ^__^

(11) I realized later that I never said who was saying what--and then I realized: Does it really matter?

(12) That's a "really happy group hug" for those of you out there who are lacking either a thesaurus, a sense of appreciation for punnish humor, or both.

(13) What guy wouldn't give his left arm to be smushed between two gorgeous girls?... Pigs.

(14) Guess who left her thesaurus in the other room and was too lazy to get up off her duff and fetch it?

(15) I'm short. 'Nuff said.

(16) "Yes, I'd like an M&M McFlurry, a McDonald's apple pie, and some McPeace." "Do you want Quiet with that?" "Yes please."

(17) In English it's called "A Maiden's Prayer". You know, that song that Lina and Amelia sing when they dress up in those ridiculous Sailor Moon-esque outfits? I love that episode. I'm Lina and Libby's Amelia. And Joe, if he were willing to sing, would probably be the embarrassed Zel hiding behind the altar.

* * *

Okay, this is a reeeeeally long chapter compared to the first two. Truthfully, the first two chapters were written really late at night and off the top of my head. Then they sat in my computer for about two years and, in the nature of all things that are left out without a cover, became rotted and moldy, and eventually they grew into an entirely new life form. 

This chapter was also pretty much written off the top of my head. And then I started getting organized and I wrote story outlines, and everything went downhill from there. I realized that, with the sequence of events I had planned, I'd have to make this chapter longer than I'd originally intended before I could move on to the good stuff. To keep from getting bored and unmotivated and all I-don't-want-to-finish-this-fic-ish, I inserted as many inside jokes that I have with myself and my friends as possible.

And that is why the list of author's notes at the end is soooooo long.

Sorry the ending is so abrupt; it was meant to be. Y'know, the element of surprise and everything…that and I just got sick of writing. I'm so lazy. ^_^

I promise I'll have the next chapter up within the next month.

* * *

Special thanks to Libby: my inspiration, my bestest friend in the whole wide world, and practically my sister. Hi Libby! ::waves, huggles:: 

M&M Kudos to Joe for helping me work out some Slayers and real life technicalities: "Hey, technically that wouldn't work." "Oh, okay." "And this wouldn't work either." "Oh, okay." "It would be more realistic if you did this." "Oh. ::gritting teeth:: Okay." "And y'know--" "I GET IT." ^___^

And everyone who reviewed gets a virtual cupcake. Arigato!


End file.
